Conflict Type Talk
If you are...
And Your Partner is ...

Extravert
Introvert

Extravert
* Stop competing.  Have one party play listener while the other talks
* Demand he or she be silent for awhile and listen.


* Remember that the last word may not be the final word.
* Try to blurt out the first thoughts that come to mind without editing them in advance.


* Try to argue the other's viewpoint.  Repeat what you hear the other person saying.
* Commit yourself to share your thoughts, even if you need to write them down first.


Extravert
Introvert

Introvert
* Avoid overkill and redundancy.
* Force yourself to speak on issues. Above all, do not avoid conflict by being silent. 


* Say your piece, then back off and allow your partner time to respond.
* Commit yourself to working out the issue together, rather than internally by yourself. 


* Jot some thoughts down on paper, perhaps just a list, and show it to your partner.
* Assume that your partner is experiencing at least as much stress as you are over the conflict.


Sensor
Intuitive

Sensor
* Beware of overloading each other with facts and specifics. 
* Respect that specific facts may be necessary to resolve the conflict.


* When you disagree on details, stop the action, and check each other's accuracy before continuing.
* Help your partner see meanings and implications of the details he or she presents. 


* Try to explore the impact and implications of what you are saying.
* Avoid trying to win an argument by focusing only on the big picture.


Sensor
iNtuitive

iNtuitive
* Keep you partner grounded and specific.
* Recognize that you both tend to avoid facts, or "bend" them to prove your case.


* Try to grasp the implications and meanings of what is being said.
* If you disagree on a perception, stop and check it for accuracy before the conflict escalates on misinformation.


* Avoid introducing so many details that you lose sight of the bigger picture.
* Work hard with each other to stay grounded, precise, and in the present.


Conflict Type Talk
If you are...
And Your Partner is ...

Thinker
Feeler

Thinker
* Know when to stop analyzing and competing.
* Try to remember that not all criticism is directed at you.


* Recognize you both have emotions and that hurt feelings may result from your disagreement.
* Stand your ground. State your position and try to stay objective.


* It is okay to lose the argument.  Life will go on. 
* Avoid saying "I'm sorry" or "You're right" as much as possible. It's okay to argue. Life will go on.


Thinker
Feeler

Feeler
* Keep in mind that whatever you are saying will be taken personally, even if you don't mean it that way.
* Face the conflict. Stand tough and don't avoid it.


* It is okay to say "I'm sorry" when you mean it.
* Try not to press for early resolution of the issue in the name of harmony. 


* Try to show your human side during the conflict.
* Remember that conflict can be a positive experience and that both of you can learn from it.


Judger
Perceiver

Judger
* Conflicts can't be scheduled-but resolving them can be.
* Recognize that your partner may sound more angry than he or she actually is.


* Bring up the issues, then schedule a time to deal with them later.
* Help your partner seek alternatives. Keep him or her from trying to come to a quick win-lose resolution.


* If an issue isn't yet resolved, don't say that it is just to bring closure to the situation. 
* Hit and run: Drop the topic of the conflict and leave, then come back and deal with it later. 


Judger
Perceiver

Perceiver
* Allow some latitude for your partner to explore different aspects of the subject.
* Help each other stay focused on only one issue at a time.


* Push for closure for a positive resolution, not to win an argument.  
* State as clearly as possible your opinions and needs. No waffling!


* Help your partner stay focused and deal with one issue at a time.
* Try to negotiate win-win solutions.  Or, decide which of you can "win" and "lose" each issue. 

(c) Otto Kroeger Associates, 2000		Page 2

